Signs that Someone May Be Abused
How Battering Affects the Abused Partner
How to Help in a Domestic Violence Situation
"What Could I Say?" How to Open a Dialogue
What NOT to Do or Say

A person in a domestic violence situation may try hard to hide what's going on and present a "normal" front to friends, neighbors, family and co-workers. If you notice the following symptoms in someone you know, that person might be in a battering relationship.

• Low self-esteem. The person may make self-denigrating comments, such as "I can't do much of anything," or "I'm just a loser, anyway." The person may have poor grooming and hygiene, seeming not to really care about appearances. The person may seem to deliberately look "dumpy," unkempt or unattractive (because of the batterer's jealousy--the person doesn't want to appear to be trying to attract other partners). The person seems apathetic and doesn't seek to advance on the job, take educational opportunities, or enjoy self-care and recreational activities. (Note if self-esteem takes a nosedive after the person begins a new relationship.)
  
  
• Seems fearful of the partner. The person seems afraid to do anything that might go against the partner's wishes. The person has to "check with" the partner before making any decisions, even trivial ones. The person seems afraid to change daily routines or socialize because the partner "might not like it." Minor disruptions in everyday patterns--such as being late getting home from work--can cause the person to almost panic. When the person is with the partner, she or he is quiet, deferential, and wary.
  
  
• Unexplained injuries. The person has injuries that she or he refuses to explain, or gives inadequate explanations for. Often, an abused person will hide injuries as much as possible. But injuries caused by physical violence may include black eyes and facial bruises, bruises or fractures to the arms that seem caused by twisting, fingermarks on the neck (from choking), and repeated bruises in different stages of healing. A person who takes an unusual number of sick days may be hiding at home until injuries heal enough to be concealed by clothes or make-up.
  
  
• Seems tense, "wired," and stressed out. The person may be hyperalert and "jumpy," or have a tendency to burst into tears or become outraged with very little provocation. The person may startle when the phone rings, tend to be very aware of surroundings, and has trouble relaxing or sleeping.
  
  
• Seems depressed, or emotionally drained. The person may have a "flat affect" in which her or his emotions seem almost non-existent. The person talks about upsetting events in a calm voice, and never seems to laugh or smile. The person may show signs of clinical depression. An abused person may also have inappropriate reactions: laughing at something that doesn't seem funny to anyone else, for example.
  
  
• Begins abusing substances. The person may begin (or relapse back into) abusing substances or alcohol after becoming involved in a new relationship.
  
  
• Drop in work performance or competence. The person may begin to make more mistakes, be less productive and generally show reduced performance in the job. The person may be late for work or absent more often. In general life activities, the person has a harder time completing everyday tasks and "keeping things together."
  
  
• Denies or minimizes that anything is wrong. The person will insist that "everything is fine" in response to casual questions, even when it's painfully obvious that something is wrong. Even if the batterer has assaulted the person in public, the abused partner will defend the batterer and minimize the violence.
  
  

There may be other signs that a person is involved in a battering relationship.

• Obvious abusive behavior by the batterer. While only the most extreme abusers physically assault their partners in front of witnesses, much battering behavior is apparent to outsiders. Insults and put-downs, constantly interrupting when the partner tries to talk, "doing all the talking" in social situations, intimidating the partner with hard stares, or treating the partner like a personal servant are all things that batterers do openly. A batterer may also "hover" around the partner, constantly maintain physical contact (arm around the shoulders or waist, holding hands), and "guide" the partner while walking. When the partner is at work or visiting, the batterer may call constantly, and demand to know where the partner is if someone else answers the phone. The batterer may always answer the phone at home, and refuse to allow the partner to speak to friends or family.
  
  
• Isolation. The batterer compels the partner to move to an isolated location--not merely a new city or town, but somewhere far out in the country, an island, someplace without phone service, and so on. The person may be left without a car or vehicle for most of the day while the batterer works. The person may break off contact with former correspondents, friends, and family members. The batterer may cut off computer access. The person may quit a job, volunteer work, or other activities while giving flimsy excuses, and afterwards never be heard from, or respond to inquiries, by friends in those areas of interest.
  
  
• Partner is openly hostile toward friends and family. The person's new partner may be hostile and belligerent toward the person's friends and family members, "pick fights," work to alienate them, and use excuses to cut them off.
  
  
• Partner seems to control all the money. The person never seems to have money, or to spend any money on her (him) self. The person has to check all purchases with the partner, and never spends even small amounts impulsively. The partner shows no such inhibitions about spending money, buying expensive "toys" and indulgences. (If both partners pinch pennies, they may simply be on a tight budget.)
  
  
• Person makes radical changes in himself/herself to please the partner. The person may radically change his or her hair style and clothing because "my partner likes me this way." He or she may rigorously diet and exercise because "my partner can't stand it when I gain weight." The person may quit a well-liked job because "he doesn't like women to work," or "she wants me to spend more time at home." The person may become a fanatical housekeeper or yardworker (sacrificing other activities) because "he likes everything to look nice when he gets home" or "she says I never do enough around the house."
  
  
• Things that the person values disappear without explanation. Valued--or valuable--personal belongings, and pets, may mysteriously disappear from the person's life. When asked, the person acts unconcerned, or offers an implausible explanation for the disappearance. The person won't admit that the partner destroyed or sold the belongings, or harmed or got rid of the pets.